(Every week, a student would impress his friends with his English skills using this conversation:)

Student: Teacher?
Me: Yes?
Student: Do you know Playboy?
Me: No.
Student: Do you play sex?
Me: What? What’s that?
Student: Do you know pen-is (he said pen is, not penis)
Me: Sorry, I don’t.

(A couple of months later)

Student: Do you know Playboy?
Me: Yes, of course.
Student (muttering Japanese excitedly to his friends): Teacher, do you play sex?
Me: All the time.
Student: Hahahaha!

Student: “Can I turn in PowerPoint slides for the second writing assignment?”

Me: “No. It’s called a writing assignment.”

(From an African-American teacher.)

Me: Okay, who knows what superlatives are?

(hands raise)

Me: Yes, Jerry?

Student 1: The most of something.

Me: Yes, very good. Now give me an example of a superlative… I’m a superlative right now, right? What superlative am I in relation to the class?

Student 2: Tallest

Me: Yes! Good! What else?

Student 3: Smartest

Me: You doggone right, anything else?

Student 2: Blackest

Me: Uh… yyeeaaaa.

Me: I’m from the USA.

Student: Do you know Obama?

Me: No, not personally.

Student: Do you know Michael Jackson?

Me: No.

Student: Are you a terrorist?

Me: And how do you say ‘guess’ in Korean?

All Students: 추측하다 (chu-chuk-ha-da)

Me: Right!

Female student: Look! Guess!

(And then the female student in front of me pops open all the buttons on her school uniform top and peels back her shirt like superman to reveal the giant “Guess” brand label on her undershirt.)

Me: (Turning away) umm…..